It’s been a while since we posted a new mini-sode, and so we are happy to give an update. This Q&A session was done this summer, probably July 2015. It explores the following questions:
- Why are you moving?
- Any new poly issues?
- What about Dani having a lady lover?
- How’s the sex life at home?
- How’s the financial situation?
- The changes in the fall…
Some follow up comments on the topics discussed:
Why are you moving?
During the filming of this Q&A, we were living in Oakland at the time, but had decided it was time to move our family back to the Santa Cruz area. There is a point where Dani says “It’s just not safe for our family anymore”, and we want to give a bit more information. Though we were living in a part of Oakland that did have a lot of crime rate that endangered us and our property, it’s important for us to illuminate that the safety also had to do with the simple fact that the kids were getting mobile and we lived on a busy corner in a house with 3 doors leading outside. The pollution from the cars was constant. And with virtually no play space, especially outside, we felt it was better to relocate the family.
I want to make a specific point about the public perception of Oakland, however. Though it is notorious for crime, racial issues, illness, and poverty – the media fails to illuminate the truly wonderful things about this town and the East Bay in general. The community and its efforts to make improvements and increase safety is something to be applauded. The local art, displayed on so many business and residential walls, is powerful to show the talent that is blossoming forth. It is too easy to make jokes about the raw living in Oakland, I (Dani) am guilty of this. It is more challenging and more powerful to stand up for the hardships experienced by so many without a fair education, work opportunity, health access, and so on. I value my family’s time in Oakland greatly – it was humbling, diverse, and in so many ways feels more “real” because it is so raw.
New Poly Issues?
There was a good deal of talk regarding Polyamory going on at that time, as Melinda had begun exploring her affection with another man outside of the relationship. It was our triad’s (plus babies) first time to really attempt this. We discuss it a bit in the video, but felt that it wasn’t the most carefully communicated experiment. The spoiler alert is that situation did not proceed. However, while composing this blog (Nov 1, 2015) we are again facing a struggle with communication and emotions regarding a new love of Melinda’s. It has become a rather distinct issue that we face on a daily basis now.
What about Dani having a lady lover?
At the time of this filming, Dani was about to take off (with Ella) to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival – notorious for its lesbian presence. The idea of her “playing” at this festival was proposed by friends and discussed by us. Seemingly reluctant permission was given to Dani to play lightly with kisses and cuddles. But in reality, Dani was there to be with Ella and that just wouldn’t have been a realistic possibility.
Her time there did, however, inspire Dani to move a forward with her pursuits back at home. Since the filming, Dani has very slowly begun the process of enjoying the company of another woman she has been interested in for years. So, both Dani and Melinda have opened the door to outside interests, but in dramatically different ways. So the discussion of outside partners is a very hot topic these days…
Sex life at home?
In this Q&A we discuss the recent realization that the “trade off” technique we had begun using since the babies were born, has started to decrease in novelty. With the low-sex-life between Melinda and Dani, Jon is pretty much the crutch of a V style poly relationship – sexually at least (emotionally it is a fully functioning equilateral triangle). Since this was filmed, we are realizing that a mid-love-making-session trade off is not preferred. Some reasons are:
- The lady in the second shift is waiting in the other room with the kids, trying not to fall asleep, and potentially wrestling with feeling “left out” or jealous”.
- The lady in the first shift is constantly distracted by whether or not she is taking too much time, if the other lady is struggling with the kids by herself while “I” am enjoying myself, and the knowledge of what it feels like to have to wait.
- The ladies are not experiencing the full start-to-finish love making dance that is so precious and powerful. And a rush to relieve the other mommy leaves to a lack of “after-glow” time.
- Jon is having to adapt to the sexual needs, energy, and style of each of the ladies mid way through his love making experience.
Our solution is naturally unfolding recently. Simply – trade off nights, not sessions. This way the lady not making love can just go to sleep, which is a resource in high demand and low resource these days. And each of us gets to experience the entire process of love making with the other. One day, we hope to get back on track with all three of us making love together, but that will be dependent on moving the kids to their own bedrooms!
No extra comment! Just happy this is finally smoothing out.
Changes in the fall…
Also since that filming, the move has been complete and we now live in the Santa Cruz area. Melinda has re-joined her original school to continue her Chinese Medicine education. Dani has begun a full time ASL Interpreter Program in Fremont and commutes (with a dear friend and classmate) three days a week. Life is very busy for our family and it has been challenging to find time with each other. This also means that Jon has taken on solo dad days, which is no big deal now – but when this Q&A was filmed, it seemed like a HUGE deal as Dani was primary caregiver for the babies. He’s an amazing father and is providing tremendous support (physical and financial) while Melinda and Dani dive into school full time.
Finally since this was filmed, the babies turned ONE YEAR OLD! We threw a joint bday bash for them in October, which was beautiful. Technically, that was the “end” of filming for this documentary…but being that our world has cracked open to new issues regarding poly in our life, we’ve decided to keep the camera’s rolling…and more accurately, we’re trying audio recordings to catch the live and emotional discussions we’ve been having. So, we’ll need to manifest an animator who can help us with some visuals to accompany the audio…when the time comes. (Got any suggestions?)
Thanks for following along – we hope our story offers insight, inspiration, education, and entertainment.
To watch our first set of Q&A’s conducted when the girls were 2-3 months pregnant, see this blog: Complete Q&A Session…one year later!
PS – special thanks to my brother who has been visiting, for doing the subtitles!